Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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