So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
