life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
