So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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