dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
