Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
