The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
