Too much gin, very little bucket
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
