The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
