just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize