When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
