first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
