were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
