my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
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