soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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