I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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