I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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