So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize