Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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