Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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