I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
