It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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