Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Randomize
