Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
