i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
