if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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