Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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