tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
