i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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