I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
