I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
