Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
not ubering you a puppy
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
