he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
