Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
