my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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