Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Sober January is a disaster.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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