oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
