based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
