I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
