I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
