I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
