you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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