FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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