Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
