before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
