new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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