I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
