Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I want a musical about memes.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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