So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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