I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize
