The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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