plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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