Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
