My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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