I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize