Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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