I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
