my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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